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Jokes
Posted by: Twinky
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Created on
8/22/2009 9:34:26 PM |
Getting Your Priorities Straight
After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde."
"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."
His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."
The man rethought his priorities.
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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COMMENTS
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User: Joan Lewendon |
Submitted On: 8/26/2009 2:50:39 PM |
Keep 'em coming, I enjoyed those
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User: rosered |
Submitted On: 9/7/2009 3:42:49 PM |
very funny, Twinky. Thanks for putting the jokes on.
Rosered
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User: Margaret |
Submitted On: 4/19/2010 3:30:08 PM |
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User: Margaret |
Submitted On: 4/19/2010 3:34:42 PM |
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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User: Margaret |
Submitted On: 4/25/2010 8:34:47 PM |
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Florida.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
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User: Margaret |
Submitted On: 5/2/2010 3:07:13 PM |
After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!
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User: Kathryn |
Submitted On: 5/23/2010 8:27:49 PM |
I thought this wasn't bad!
A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. „I‚m afraid her mind‚s completely gone,‰ he said. „Makes sense,‰ mumbled the man. „She‚s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.‰
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User: Kathryn |
Submitted On: 5/25/2010 3:03:50 PM |
Here's another one ....
Occasions :: #21098
By Anonymous from USA.
The census taker knocked on Miss Gibson's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everybody tells their age to the census taker, the man said. "Did Miss Mary Hill and Miss Patty Hill tell you their ages?
"Certainly. Well, I‚m the same age as they are, she snapped. As old as the Hills, the man wrote on his form.
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User: Margaret |
Submitted On: 6/4/2010 11:55:46 AM |
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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